Without sounding too self-involved...

Maybe if I start writing about all the different aspects of my life, I would soon find a relevant and interesting topic. I can think of a few:
1) My alcoholic father
2) My "multi-cultural" (English-American) upbringing
3) My despair at having lost touch with friends from childhood and adolescence y todas las etapas de la vida
4) My lack of confidence
5) My time abroad
6) My feeling of having wasted or lost or not-appreciated-enough or not-made-the-most-of my time spent abroad or my life in general
7) My desire to reconcile my happy/loving/satisfying relationship with with my hopes of living/spending time abroad
8) Not knowing what I want to do and wanting to do everything.

I still thinkg I'm just not self-centred enough to be able to write, either about myself or about anything else. I can't write about myself because I'm too self-concious (i.e. not self-involved enough, i.e. I don't think I'm that interesting), and I can't write about other things because I'm too worried about what other people would think about my writing.
9) My confidence issues.

How do other people do it? I'd write in a journal but typing's easier. I'd write in a private blog but... I'm training to train myself to actually do this, right???
I need to start doing the things that I actually want to do, because my biggest fear (or one of them) is disappointment in myself. Self-disappointment (auto-desilusion). Regret at one's past. I turned 22 today (yesterday rather), so I have run out of excuses for my indecision and my inaction and my lack of motivation. It's just the not knowing what the future holds. It's nice when you're in university and you know what you're going to do the next year and the year after that. I repeat myself but I do need to be excited about the future. I think it's the decision-making that scares me more. I think I will be generally happy whatever I'm doing, I will just stress about having to make the decision and worrying that I've made the wrong decision, just like I stress when I buy clothes and think maybe I've bought the wrong size or style or paid the wrong price and won't wear the item enough to justify the expenditure, or when I go to a restaurant and order a meal and worry that it'll be too little or too much or not as nice as the meal my companion has ordered. My character is indecisive and I need to accept that.

Acceptance. Confidence. Decision. My new mantra?

Thank you Caroline for reminding me of my journals :) I have spent hours reading through them, and I don't know whether I'm disappointed or pleased to discover that I actually haven't changed very much at all. I'm still lazy, I'm still disappointed in myself sometimes, I'm still interested in the same things. I'm worse at keeping in touch with people, I know less about my friends' lives. I like to think that I know more, that I'm more confident, that I'm better at getting my homework done, that I now speak the languages I wanted for so long to learn. It's all give and take, I suppose. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, except the scary thing is that now I actually have to do something about it. Or, the problem is that there are too many things that I want to do, and don't know where to start, and am shit scared about not accomplishing anything.

In short, I hated being a teenager but I miss it. No I don't. I would have been the same person, made the same mistakes, missed the same opportunities, wasted the same time. I need to remember to be excited about the future, and happy about the present, and not regret the past. Life is good.

I also want to write more interesting things, but I like the things I think about, and I think I have good ideas, but I never write. So I'm writing for myself, as an experiment but also as a testament to who I am now and how I currently feel. Because it's actually really nice to look back and read about yourself. Or just really self-involved haha.

Sophie and I went for a walk on Sunday, and had a lovely time. ( It was a pretty day, in a pretty place. )

Ollie and I went to the movies last night, just because there's a Ben&Jerry's at the theatre. I was craving it (Cookie Dough, Dublin Mudslide, Coconut+Almond... delicious). Corrie when (when, not if) I visit you, I'm going to make you take me to the Ben&Jerry's factory. The movie was pretty good too. I watched the moon on the way home, and we listened to Thom Yorke's solo album. Did I mention that Oliver came home from NJ with a much improved taste in music? In a car at night is the best place to listen to music, I'd forgotten how good it is. I should probably work on getting my license.

This morning was exciting because the bus driver stopped the bus and came upstairs to yell at the girls who were smoking pot at the top in the back. Naughty girls. One of them was saying "catched" instead of "caught". That really annoyed me, but I didn't say anything. I'm trying to be less confrontational haha.
My new mp3 player arrived! Very exciting, I can now listen to music without applying any pressure at all the the headphone jack! Wow!

We've been home two whole weeks. I was excited about going back to school but now I'm getting nervous, thinking about all the negative things (does one or more of my housemates hate me?? being around lots of people alll the time?? i'll miss sophie and mom and ollie and even work). But it'll be good. It will. I just get nervous.
My day off tomorrow, I'll try and get a haircut, and also maybe try and see the doctor about a weird mole. I never realised how much of a hypochondriac I can be. I'm a big baby.

Planning the trip is really addictive. I keep forgetting that there's still the whole of July before they arrive/we go. I'll be busy working though hopefully, I'm working 5 days this rota week (Fri,Sat,Mon,Tues,Weds). I haven't told them I'm going away yet though, but I don't think they'll mind too much as long as I tell them soon.
We get our puppy in two weeks! She's 6 weeks old right now, Mom has named her Sophie. She's a King Charles Spaniel. We went to see her on Monday, she's ( adorable :) )

i passed my first year at university, woo hoo!

It's that time of day again... when I get really bored and start posting ( pictures... )

Finished and printed off the essay and handed it in at 3:30 this afternoon, very exciting. It's not excellent, but hey, we only need 40% to pass this year. I just did something really weird with the keyboard and now the screen's gone all weird. There was an art poster sale in the Portland building and I got two small prints, Klee and Kandinsky for only a £1 each. I was getting bored with the posters I've had since September. Also, I just had my Spanish oral class and we had like a little practice for the oral exam, and she said I was passable, which is good. I'm so confused accent-wise though. I don't know whether to go for a Castilian or a South American accent in the exam. I'm getting used to the Castilian, but it doesn't come that naturally with most words. Argh. Oh well, it'll be just like my regular accent, half English, half American. I'm a hybrid. Proud of it.
Neighbours time!

This evening after dinner, instead of going straight to the library to write the remaining 1000 words of an essay that's due at 4:30 tomorrow, I played a game of 4 against 3 football and then some frisbee on the quad. I finally got to library at like 8:15 and I'm alternating between writing a few sentences and then wasting some time on Facebook (and now livejournal). The coffee machine, Red Bull machine, and soda machine are allll sold out. I've got some water, crackers and dried fruit though. Only 750 words to go! Not that much, I'm just not good at concentrating. I've got another 1500 word essay due Thursday that I haven't even started reading for. I had a whole month off school! I'm the queen of procrastinators.

happy valentine's day, all

Quick update, lunch is in 14 minutes and I'm hungry.
Coheed tonight! Very exciting. The concert's actually Coheed & Cambria VS Thrice, and I don't think I really like Thrice, but it'll be good. Mary, did we see Coheed with Thrice the first time we saw them? I'm wearing my The Start t-shirt hehehe.
On Monday we (Hayley, Lizzy, Emily, Shell and I) signed the lease for our house next year, which is pretty exciting. It's five bedrooms, one bathroom, a separate toilet, a kitchen, and a big living room. And a concrete yard. It's on Lenton Boulevard and is close to some of our other friends' houses. It's also close to Blockbuster and a tiny supermarket, and various pizza/food places. AND I got a job as a waitress/kitchen assistant(does this mean dishwasher haha) at a pub just down the road from our house. I start Saturday.
Exams finished last week, and I didn't have any lectures this week because Languages and History both have a 'project week' which is stupid because we don't have any work to do because we haven't started our new classes yet! But still, it's nice to have a week off. I sorted out my schedule for this term and I have Fridays off again, apart from an hour-long seminar at 11am every other Friday. And my earliest lecture is at 10am yay!
Question: When are your midterms? I might be coming in April and not May. I really want to go Ben's graduation but it's right before my exams and I don't know if I can miss lectures and I want to see everyone but I don't think I'd have time. But I have a month off between March 24th and April 24th. Most spring breaks are in March right? Anyway I might be coming end of March/sometime in April but I wouldn't want to come when everyone has exams and stuff and stuff. So just comment or something :)

Saturday was probably the worst night of my life, so I'm pretty glad that I only remember parts of it. I'm also pretty glad that I have nice friends (I remembered Shell, Rosie and Ben, but apparently Simon helped as well) who got me home safely. I woke up at about noon on Sunday after what I thought was a pretty nice sleep, until I realized I was wearing all my clothes from the night before and my bed had dirt or sand in it. And then the fragmented memory of the night before came rushing back. I don't know what the fuck possessed me to drink so much, but it's definitely not happening again.
I had my fourth and hardest exam today, and it went pretty well. Only one left, Spanish on Friday at 4:30 and I'm not too worried about that because it's only worth 20% of my final grade because I've got three Spanish exams at the end of the year.
I've been having weird dreams, last night I was kidnapped by Paul (a character in Neighbours, the soap we religiously watch everyday at 5:35) and I was trying to get my friend Tommy to talk to him so that he'd be distracted and I could run away.
I'm homesick. I miss my mom, I miss watching TV with my family, and I miss nice toast (the toaster here burns the outside while leaving the inside too soft). I might go home this weekend, but we're househunting on Saturday and I think Kerry said he's coming down.
And now I'm going to go because I need to buy eggs from the Portland Building before it closes because I'm making cupcakes! I might make jello as well, but if I do I'll have to buy ice cream because jello is nicest with ice cream.

Caroline in case you didn't get my text, thank you very very much for the book, it's great, I love it (especially the sign for the laundromat that warns against unauthorised defecating). It's the best distraction when I'm sick of studying :D

Haha, I should probably check my e-mail more often. Roight.

So where are we going this summer guys?!!? This seems a pretty good site for rail passes. There are a lot of countries we want see to but it seems that the best rail pass option is to choose a zone, and get a pass that allows you to travel for 5, 6, 8 or 10 days (more days of travel=more expensive) within 2 months, because we'd want to spend a bit of time in each place we go to. And if we were choosing a zone, I think the Benelux-Germany (Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg) one sounds best. Or you can get a SelectPass where you pick 3,4, or 5 countries (more countries = more expensive but Benelux counts as 1) out of 17 (Austria, Begium, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Italy, Luxemburg, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Republic of Ireland, Romania, Spain, Sweden, and Switzerland) to travel within for 5, 6, 8, or 10 days within 2 months. OR just the regular Eurailpass which allows you to travel within all 17 countries for at least 15 days consecutively, which means we wouldn't spend a lot of time in each city but we could go to lots of places. This is getting confusing haha. Oh shit and I just read that "Eurail passes are not intended for sale to residents of Europe, the Russian Federation, Turkey, Morocco, Algeria or Tunisia." Hmm. That's going to be confusing if I have to get a different railpass and ah. But it'll be fine heh. I found this for just European residents, just saving the link on here.

This might be a good site too, for you guys. I haven't looked at it, but checkitout if you want.

Get back to me, pretty please. Let's start planning! And I'll e-mail this to Jenny as well tomorrow.

i dreamt that we were all on a field trip to new york and we were waiting for the bus to go home (i.e. back to RBR) but then the bus came (the 153 which is the bus i take to get into and out of leicester...)and you all ran out of the cafe to get on and i took a bit longer because i was looking for my phone and then i ran out and i missed the bus and was chasing after it but couldn't catch it. but then i remembered that i didn't actually have to be back at school (nottingham, not RBR) until my exam on the 17th and it was only the 9th so it was cool. when i woke up i was pretty confused.

i can't find my hairtie, but i'm sure it's in my room. i'll look for it.

today was my last day of work, 10am until 7pm. ben and ollie and mike met me in leicester after work and we ate at an indian restaurant and it was delicious. then we went to a pub called King Richard III and watched old men play pool and it felt very traditionalenglisholdpubby. then ollie and mike went home because they couldn't get into any other pubs without being 18, so ben and i went to a place called 'the orange tree' which was awesome. they played really good music and had gorgeous artwork and a great atmosphere. then 'the litten tree' next door which was a bit more... i dunno, like pop/R&b/hippity-hoppity music, and loud but alright. then we got the bus home and met some people who have a 7month-old baby and they showed us pictures on their cameraphone and she was so cute. then to the old white swan pub across the road from our house and i played pool on a team with londonboy terry, against local boys lee (who we met at the jubilee on thurs.) and adam. needless to say, terry and i won. i'm such a shitty pool player, but apparently better than drunk boys hahaha. then we came back here and mike and ollie were watching texas chainsaw massacre but i've already seen it and it's not that good and i'd rather be on the computer so here i am.

tomorrow benjamin and i are going to stratford to go to a newyearscasinonight at a pub with nuestros primos aimee, craig, joe, y tio steve. happy new year! prospero ano! les amo! i hope you all have a fun night (i'll try to celebrate 5a.m.<< nj's new year but i might be asleep :( ) and a good new year's day. i'm never sure where the apostrophe goes in that, or if there even is one. fuck grammar, where have all mycapitals gone?

xxx

I look like RubenThomasDries because I've been drinking red wine since 4pm. Mmmm purple tongues/teeth/lips. I got lots of chocolate, cds, dvds and good books (useful:book about origins of common phrases and a book about Marrakech from Nan+Grandad and I'd forgotten I even told them about going to Morocco so was cool that they remembered), and 170euros for travelling next year. It's really nice to have a proper family Christmas (9!) after 7 years of just the five of us. And dinner was super-yummy. Also, Ben got a nasen-und ohrhaartrimmer (nosehairtrimmer) and he tried it out on me but I got scared that I was going to inhale all the cut-off hairs. Weird. I have to get up at 7:30 tmrw for work :( But Christmas is wonderful, I'm happy :)
Merry Christmas all xxx

Emma: "So if I ask for cider in America, I'll get a warm drink and I won't get drunk?"
Me, Tristan, Emily: "Right."

i went ice skating last night and i was awful, but it was fun. there was also dance dance revolution machine but it was in korean. dips and i can't read korean so we accidently chose hard songs. there was a sign that said "no skates on the dance machine" which was pretty funny, because who would dance wearing ice skates!?! then we got chips! oh the joys of england.
when we got back shell called me drunk from the common room and i asked her who she was with and she said names and then tom cruise and i was like 'who's tom cruise' thinking she meant someone we know who looks like tom cruise, and i heard emma say in the background 'jess he's an american actor, you must know who he is'. so i went over there and they were watching the last samurai which explains everything. and then emily and i had a talk about how i'm too sensitive and need to chill out. which is true, because it's pretty stupid to think that everybody hates me all the time.

hey guys when you all get together at christmas, can you have a cardboard cutout of me so i can pretend i'm there, and so you don't forget about me?

Monday before last we dressed as pirates and tied our legs together and went to some bars, before going to Jumping Jacks, a nightclub. All of this was for Karnival, a Nottingham University organisation that raises money for charity. We kind of gave up halfway through going to bars because it started raining and was really hard to walk. Pirates are really cool though.

( 7-legged )

my dad's running from the police. this is pretty exciting.

oh, and ( pictures... )